Entry 6: Weather

I had been looking for answers both for school and for life. I was worn out. I haven't had much time for anything lately, let alone think about answers for things. But I went to the field this time in my usual trench coat on my back, cigarette in hand, and dog at my side. Usually, I love visiting my spot, and I love spending time there, but this time I was in a mood. I stomped through the path to the small clearing and I stood there in the sun.
Apparently this day, the weather wasn't having any of my sass. The wind was so fierce I had trouble lighting my cigarette, and the flaps on the collar of my coat kept blowing up and slapping me in the face. So nature had won this time, forcing me to be still for a few seconds and wait. Now, maybe I’m crazy but sometimes when I get like I was on this day in particular the only person I can bear to talk to really is my dog. I looked at KD and I asked her, “What are we gonna do?” There were so many things running through my mind. I needed to get things together, there were things I was trying to cope with, things I didn’t know how to respond to. In the meantime while I was talking this all out with the wise little beagle, the wind was still going at it hard, and my fingertips had begun to hurt from the cold. After enough time and talking it all out, I think I managed to talk myself into a circle. At one point in my little “chat” I even asked the wind “IS THAT REALLY NECESSARY?!” I voiced aloud. And it continued to blow with the same intensity. I pressed on though just staying in my clearing, and continued trying to figure things out with myself. Something hit me though. Maybe I didn’t need all the answers right now. Maybe not having answers for things at this exact time was the point and that “figuring it out” is the stuff of life. There’s no sense of jumping ahead. What fun is going straight to jail without even passing GO or collecting $200 dollars? Kind of feels like a cop out, but I was satisfied with that answer. For someone like me who always needs the answers and likes to be the boss, having a time of uncertainty is maddening, and therefore this was a new level of clarity for me. So I turned to walk back to my house, and I could have sworn the wind had died down just a little bit.
Funny thing weather. I’m the kind of person who will sometimes take the weather as an omen or a harbinger of some sort. Now bear with me because here is probably where I really begin to sound like a crazy person. In lieu of recent events, I’ve been taking the wind “seriously” in that: I think my great-grandfather who’s been deceased for sixteen years now comes and goes with the wind sometimes. I was really close with him, so maybe this is me just trying to find a way to still be close to him sometimes. So when the wind does things like that, at seemingly eerie times, I always think it has to do with Frank (my GG).